I got married the first time when I was 19 years old (I know, stupid!). It never occurred to me NOT to change my name. I was going to be Mrs. Dipshit of all Time, which I was actually excited about at that time.
Now, it is 21 years later. I am a 40 year old, divorced mother of one full grown "adult" 18 year old and I am getting married again in the fall. We have been together for a lot of years and we are sure this is forever. My problem is that I am not 19 anymore. I have grown up a lot since then, had a kid, was in the military, raised my kid, bought a house, established credit, etc. I don't want to change my name again, this is the person that I have become and I rather fond of me. However, it feels strange to keep my first husband's last name, especially since he has remarried and is having another baby, but for some reason it is really bothering my son if I have a different last name than his and, of course, while my fiance' is being very supportive he really wants me to change my name.
My advice to anyone marrying would be to NOT change your name at all ever. I always thought it was necessary to have the same last name as the children, but I really wish I still have my maiden name.
Does anyone have any advice?
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6 comments:
It makes me proud that my wife wanted to take my name. I don't think she considers me Mr. Dips*** of All Time, though, and that makes me happy. ;-)
She is a professional woman who was established under her maiden name before we met. She wanted to take my name for the same reason we wear wedding rings - as a symbol of the commitment and change that marriage brings. I'm all hers, and she is all mine, and she felt that taking my name was just another way of communicating that to the world.
I don't think it is a question of right or wrong. It just comes down to personal preference.
I didn't consider him Mr. Dipshit of all Time until a couple of years before I divorced him! :-)
Thank you for the input, it is nice to hear it from a man's perspective. But how much work was it for her to change all her information? Did she change her name professionally also?
I've had multiple names. There was my birth name (I really dislike the sexist term "maiden name"), my first husband's name, the name I took when I divorced (O'Moore, because of issues with my family of origin), and the name I took (as did my husband) when I married again (O'Moore-Klopf). Each time, it's been a big paperwork hassle.
It bugs me to no end that some people think that the only way for a married couple to show commitment is for the woman to take the man's name. Husbands can take their wives' name. The couple can choose a new name that they will both use. They can both hyphenate their names (as my current husband and I did). They can both keep their own names. I can understand, LLL, though how your fiancé feels.
LLL, you may want to sit down with your son and have a heart-to-heart talk. I did this with my daughter from my first marriage. I told her that our having different names definitely did not mean that I was no longer her mother or did not love her. (She was a young child at the time.) I also told her that when she turned 18, she could legally change her surname to absolutely anything she desired to.
Katharine,
Thank you for your input. My son knows I will still love him, no matter what, but it is touchy.
I would love to combine names with my fiance', but he is very old fashioned. I think he would be fine if I had taken back my "birth name" (I love that), but since I still have my first husband's name he is weird about it. I don't blame him, but it makes things difficult!
I will figure it out, I am sure. I think there is a way to legally use both names and I think that is what I am going to have to do!
My wife did change her professional name, although the two are nearly identical. All she had to do was drop a vowel sound in favor of a consonant at the beginning of the word. The change was so subtle that people came up to her later and said, "you know, I always thought your name was _____, not ______." We laughed about that.
It wasn't much work to change all her information. She did it by attrition. As things expired, she would just get new ones with her married name - driver's license, etc. When we applied for our marriage license, the state issued her an official, pocket-sized version that is legally-binding for such uses. It was very convenient.
That is one way to do it, but there are things that don't expire. My home loan is going to be around for another 20 years as will the deed to my house. Can I change the insurance without changing the load/deed? What about my DD214? I was active duty AF, I got out in 2000. And my GIBill information? I don't know if those can be changed.
Sure, drivers license, credit cards, car registration. But the rest of this is confusing.
My only saving grace is that he is retired military, so I will get an ID card from the DOD. I figure I will have that issued in the new name and keep my social and drivers license in the old name.. at least for now!
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