Is it possible to save this child? Or can I only make myself crazy trying?

I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew how to fix the problem. Hell, I wish I knew what the problem was!

My fiance's son is 12 years old, he will be 13 before the end of summer, before the wedding. I have known him since he was 6, about 6 months before I started dating his father. He has always been the cutest kid, mostly sweet when he was around me. Of course, there has been an occasional moment when he was a total brat, but he is a kid and it has been YEARS since I have seen one. Sadly, it has not been years since he has had one.

His parents divorced about a week after he started kindergarten, I think. Maybe that is why he has always had such a tough time in school, I don't know. He was held back in 1st grade because he got in trouble so much and would not do the school work. He passed 1st grade the second time, but was asked not to return to that elementary school. He spent 3 months at a charter school, then was moved to a school for children with problems. Some of the children at that school are physically disabled, some mentally, some emotionally. He spent the rest of 2ND grade there, making some progress, but still causing problems. His being there embarrassed his parents (mainly his mother), so he was moved to a private Christian school as a scholarship student. He was given a chance to leave 3rd grade early and "get back on track" so to speak. He is now on a grade level that is "correct" for his age. After 2 years, he was asked not to return to the private school. So, for the last 2 years, he has been attending a military school that is over 4 hours from here. His mother's choice, but his father did not fight her too hard on it. He was not pleased with her decision the first year, but he felt it was for the best the 2ND year.. until the child's face was broken, but I am getting there with this story.

Do you see the pattern? He goes to a new school, does fine for a bit, figures out the system and then all hell breaks loose. He stops making any attempt to do his school work or homework. He will just sit in class and stare at whatever is closest to him, OR he will lose his mind and start cursing the teachers, running away, or throwing things. In the 6 years I have been with his father, he has thrown rocks & sticks at teachers and students, run off down the street or into the woods on more than one occasion, cursed at his teachers more times than I could possibly count, stood on top of a press box holding a folding metal chair and threatening anyone who came near him. He has turned over desks(his) and beds (his at school, not at home), broken windows, broken toys, and, well, you get the picture.

I blame the child's mother. I know that isn't fair, I know it isn't right, I know it isn't intelligent and it does not make a lot of sense, but there it is. As a single mother, I would have killed to have as much time and money from my Ex as she gets from hers. No, he is not ever going to win a Father of the Year Award and there were/are a lot of things that should be done differently. But the child support is never late, extra money is paid willingly and IF a weekend is missed, it is made up. Should there have been more activities, more "quality" time instead of quantity time? Should my fiance' made more of an effort to spend time with his son at other times? Should he maybe have done a better job of separating his emotions for the child from his emotions toward the mother? YES to all. There is a lot more he could have/should have done. But she blames everything on him, if he were more involved, if he called every day, if he weren't such an ass, etc. Tons of yelling (on her part) tons of hanging up (on his).

About 3 months ago, she received a call from this military school, there had been a fight (long long story) and the child had been thrown, onto his face. He fell onto a chair, hitting it with his upper lip. He had to have corrective surgery to fix the problem and there is still a question of whether his top four front teeth will survive. Well, my fiance' (I've got to come up with an Internet name for him) was not thrilled about sending the child back to the school and refuses to pay for him to go back next year. He, obviously, still has to pay child support, but will not pay the extra he has for this school year. She has found another school, farther away, and wants to send him there. My fiance' wants him to come live with us or at least have him live in this county, if not in our town. (The mother lives in the same county, but a different town).

I am at my wits' end. Now, understand for just a moment, that I have incredible control issues. I like to be in charge, or at least, understand the rules and that is not going so well for me in this situation. I have done everything I know to do. I have been polite to her, I have tried to maintain the lines of communication between the two of them when he was fed up with her. I have made suggestions to the both of them, most of which are ignored. After this last incident (the face breaking), I was talking with one a couple of the doctors I work with and they both said it sounded like Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Of course, I googled that right away & was amazed how it fit exactly, compounded by ADHD, of course. I printed the information for my fiance' and Emailed it to his ex and.. nothing. There is no pill to "fix" ODD. Only family counseling.

So, here is my problem. What do I do? I love the little guy, but I can't "fix" him. Without counseling, what is going to happen to him? I am willing to do everything within my power (as I have always been willing to do) for him, to help him, but can I stand by and just let them ruin him more? Can I let him ruin my life and my relationship with his father by turning our home into an armed camp? Can I make counseling a condition of his moving in with us (which I truly doubt will happen, she is not going to give up the child support)? What can I do???

HELP!